I’ve been in my relationship for five years and always had a difficulty orgasming

Diana Adams – on Twitter and Instagram – is the executive director of the Chosen Family Law Center, a non-profit advocating for a more inclusive definition of family. To support their work, donate here.

I was told you help women who feel shamed about their orgasms. About a year ago, I had an affair during a manic episode.

So, it seems pretty clear – at least to me – that your boyfriend isn’t having sex with you to reconnect after the affair or for the sake of having sex; he’s having sex with you to control and punish you

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You don’t have any trouble getting off – you’re fully orgasmic (even during PIV alone!) – but for reasons I’ll get into/speculate about in a moment, FIBS, your boyfriend has decided to ignore not only what he knows works for/on you, but also ignore the feedback you’ve attempted to give him during sex. Instead, he’s choosing to do what doesn’t work or doesn’t work as easily – a conscious choice on his part – and then when the predictable happens (what doesn’t work doesn’t work), your boyfriend throws mean-spirited tantrums about the affair you had during a mental health crisis before pivoting to woe-is-me bullshit about the size of his dick. (An affair you told him entirely too much about! He may have found out and/or needed to know about the affair, but he didn’t need to know exactly how you got off with your affair partner.)

He doesn’t want to get you off – he’s intentionally setting you up for failure – because he wants to throw this affair in your face again and again. Given how long he’s been having these cruel and vindictive tantrums – three times a week for eleven months – it seems clear no intention of forgiving you. To borrow a phrase: the cruelty is the point.

I’ve had many successful orgasms with him from penetrative and oral sex

Someone who can’t stop demanding apologies won’t be satisfied by the millionth one. Yes, you had an affair and, yes, that was wrong. But there were extenuating circumstances – you were in a manic state – and if he can’t forgive you and get past it, FIBS, he has no place in your life, your bed, your vagina, or your mouth.